What am I going to be when I grow up?

That is a question I have struggled with for most of my adult life. I've tried different paths and discovered they just didn't fit me. I tried going the business route when I worked for a health insurance company for nine years. I was pretty successful there but it wasn't a passion, it was drudgery. I enjoyed what I did for a long time, but after I had worked my way up into management I discovered there were some serious ethical problems in the company I had worked to grow for all those years. At the same time the opportunity arose to move to Colorado, and Hubby and I jumped on it.

Then I tried adopting an approach that worked very well for a friend, which was to go for the most dollars in the least hours, which led me into the gaming industry for eleven years. I will admit that the leisure time this approach afforded was nice, that's why I stayed in it for so long. I did a lot of things during that time - I wrote a novel, studied many subjects on my own, became an accomplished seamstress, worked with Hubby to remodel our house, read a lot of books and did a lot of cooking, And where's the downside, you may ask? Well, I wasn't just any casino employee, I was one of the elite - I was a poker dealer. (There is a definite hierarchy in the gaming world, and poker dealers are at the top.) It's an incredibly high-stress job because poker players are overwhelmingly predatory and negative, and the dealer was always a prime target for hostility and abuse. Poker players could smell weakness in anyone, so in order to maintain control of a game the dealer had to be the toughest one at the table. That's not my nature, I had to psych myself up to play that role each day. Remember in the movie "All That Jazz" when Roy Scheider's character would face each day (after shower, cigarettes and amphetamines) by looking at himself in the mirror and saying "It's showtime"? That's what I had to do, except substitute coffee for amphetamines. I had to put on a show each day. After a while I started to feel like I was losing myself, that I no longer knew who I was. No amount of money was sufficient compensation for that.

Now I'm getting back to my roots. I did a lot of soul-searching and introspection, which was motivated by my mother's death almost two years ago - it's been a rapid change process for me, this whole evolution has happened quickly. There is nothing like the death of your second parent to let you know that your time in this life is limited and finite, to make you think about what you've accomplished thus far and what you still want to do in the time you have left, and make you get off your ass and get started! As part of this process I set aside practical considerations (like how fast could I get a new job and what would it pay?) and asked myself what I wanted from life, what sort of legacy I wanted to leave behind, what I wanted my time on this earth to stand for. I have always been politically aware and wished I could work to support liberal causes of many different types. I want to leave this world a better place than I found it. I also believe I have a perspective that needs to be shared with others, by both the pen and the lectern.

So what am I going to be when I grow up? A lot of different things, if I'm lucky. I want to keep working in the nonprofit field, hopefully in positions of increasing responsibility as my education advances. My job now is so incredibly rewarding because I am able to use my skills to further a cause I believe in, working with a group of committed individuals to make positive change in our community. It's humbling to be a part of that, and each day is filled with positive energy as a result.

I want to teach in the social science disciplines at the community college level, because I enjoy teaching (there's nothing like seeing the light of comprehension dawn in a student's eyes as he or she masters a new concept). For me teaching is a way to pay forward the gifts I have received from various teachers throughout my life. The reason I want to teach specifically at the CC level is because I believe that community colleges accomplish tremendous things for students who need a second chance or may otherwise be unable to get an education. I like the inclusive philosophy of CC's, they'll admit anyone who wants to learn and work to bring them up to college-level. Community colleges deliver life-changing educations to people who are committed to making positive changes in their lives.

I also want to write both fiction and nonfiction (probably philosophy and social commentary) because I think I have some valuable ideas that deserve to be spread beyond the classroom. I also want to devote time to political causes that are near and dear to my heart, because rabblerousing is just so darn much fun and is so necessary if we want to make the powers-that-be hear our voices.

It's taken me 42 years to figure out all of this, and I have a feeling I'm not done yet. At least I hope I'm not! My best friend commented recently about the way I reinvent myself every few years, and she's right, I do. I try on different roles, play them for as long as they work for me, and discard them without looking back when they no provide what I need. Each time I do this I learn much about myself, and I think each evolution brings me closer to the real me. I think I'm pretty close now, and I like what I see! Incidentally my spirit animal is the phoenix, which is reborn from the ashes of its own destruction. Apropos.